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.Might be some difficult questions if we turned loose now."John nodded, looked more glum, glanced at the clock.For an instant Cash saw another Hank Railsback foreshadowed in the younger man's face."You and Carrie having trouble?"He seemed startled."Is the Pope a Catholic?" Then, "It shows, huh?" He remained silent so long that Cash decided he would go no further.But, finally, "Norm, you've been married a long time.Can you figure Annie?""Whenever I start thinking I do she surprises me.Like this refugee business.I would've bet anything she wouldn't have gone through with it.""You know how Carrie gets when she's pregnant?"Cash didn't know the woman as well as Annie did or his daughter-in-law, but recalled that during each of three pregnancies she had made life hell for those around her.And the nearer full term, the worse.The last time it had carried over postpartum, and had come close to taking the marriage to court.On the surface it seemed she hated John for causing her condition.For the final four months of that last pregnancy they had slept in separate bedrooms.Cash had once overheard Carrie telling Annie she would castrate John if it happened again."Yeah.""Well, she's started yakking about wanting another kid.""Oh, shit.""Is right.Norm, I had a vasectomy after the last one.I never told her.I don't know what she'll do if she finds out.""How'd you manage that?""I lied.Told them I was divorced.They never checked."Cash pursed his lips and exhaled thoughtfully, slowly shook his head."I don't know what to say.Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place.If it was Annie and she got the way Carrie does, I'd just keep my mouth shut and make like I was trying.Way she was before, she'd probably change her mind as soon as it was too late.""I know she would.And I know I couldn't go through that crap again.That's why I got the operation.But she might get to be hell on wheels anyway.""Uhm." And there's Teri, too, Cash thought.He wondered how much she had had to do with the operation.He didn't ask."You know, Norm, lately I've been asking myself a lot what the hell am I doing here.Why I bother.You think it matters? You know what I keep thinking? I could just jump on my cycle and head for the coast.Let her have everything.You can live on the beaches around L.A…"" 'Vanity of vanities, all is vanity,' " Cash quoted." 'What doth a man profit?"What the hell?""Ecclesiastes.The Bible.You aren't the first.Everybody feels that way sometimes.Especially if you step back and look at your life and you see it going by and you're not really doing anything with it.The things you wanted to do before you had to spend all your time coping with babies and bills.I know I do.Mostly I just hang in there and hope something will come up to make it worth the pain."" 'The majority of men lead lives of quiet desperation.' ""Something like that."Cash was not sure he had made any impression.John could be hard to reach.But, at least, he had matured enough not to sneer at the voice of experience.Cash smiled, remembering John and Michael and their self-certainty, what seemed just a few months ago, when they had been in high school.As one local wit had been heard to observe, there is a substitute for experience: Being sixteen."Maybe.Maybe.But sometimes I just get so depressed…""If it's that bad, maybe you'd better see the departmental psychologist."Harald didn't become defensive.Cash considered that a good sign."I've been thinking about it.Maybe I will.But I don't think it's that bad.Not yet, anyway.""Then maybe you should put in for vacation.I know for a fact that you haven't taken one since you came to the District.""That's an idea too.And when was the last time you took off, Norm?"Cash shrugged."A long time ago.A week when my mother died." Michael and John had been eight, Matthew newly born.Cash started getting antsy if he were off more than a weekend."Don't go copying me, John.There're better models."He had a sudden, frightening intuition, and hoped he was wrong.John was an only child.His father was a minister.His mother had divorced the man when John was nine.That had been a hard period for both John and Michael, neither of whom had understood.Since, till his marriage, John had lived with his mother, who had never remarried.Within a year of the divorce, Harald had begun calling Cash "Dad." At the time, Annie and Norm had thought it both cute and pathetic.The behavior had faded when Cash had refused to reinforce it with a positive response.Could that still be in John's mind, down deep where he didn't recognize it?Harald always had been nearly as close as Michael, but Christ, Cash thought, this was a responsibility he didn't want.I never did that good by Michael or Matthew.How dared John put that load on him?It was terrifying.But flattering."You're not that bad, Norm.""Crap.""Except maybe you're too private.Know what I wish there was? A machine where you could go right inside somebody's head and figure out what they really think and feel.""I'll tell you what I really think about that.It sucks, that's what.If some guy ever invents one, and you don't blow his brains out before he can tell anybody, bend over and kiss your ass good-bye.The Gestapo would be lining us up to find out if we're reliable or not.""Yeah.Probably.""You better believe.""I never thought about it.I just thought, like, you could get to know people who mean something to you, because everybody hides from everybody, a little bit.Like, I could understand why Carrie gets the way she does.But, yeah, we could use it too.Round up all the bad guys and ship them out before they hurt any body.""We're Gestapo enough, John.And I don't think we could resist the temptations.Get thee behind me." How did we get on to this? he wondered."Probably be no more reliable than a lie detector, anyway.""Yeah.Even if you could get Carrie to be honest right now, I bet you couldn't get her to explain herself.She probably doesn't know either.Hormones.""Bull.She's just trying to get to me.""Bull to you too [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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