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.“Does your family have a history of diabetes or anything like that?”“What?” Mom asks.She’s been staring out the window.“And she’s pale all the time,” Beth continues.“Look at her—sallow, even.I can see it now that her hair is finally out of her face.”Mom stares at my hair for a long time, until she finally spots the difference.“It’s a nice haircut, Eddie,” she says.Beth frowns.“But look at her complexion.So pale.”“Maybe I need more Vitamin D,” I suggest.“Well, I’ve been saying that forever—”“So I’ll get some.” I get to my feet.“Like, right now.I’ll get some.”“Are you going out?” Mom asks.Something about this much of her voice after a forever of almost total silence is setting me on edge.“With Milo? I never see Milo around anymore…”“When would you even notice that?” I ask.It doesn’t even come out of my mouth meanly, even though that’s what I feel in my heart, but because she’s my mother, she senses it.She knows where my heart is when I say it.And she cries.I leave the room awkwardly, my chest winding itself tight.Hearing your mother cry never gets easier to take.It’s a sound that goes through you each time.I’d never seen her cry before he died.I’d never made her cry.I have made her cry.I push through the front door.I’m halfway down the walk when Beth appears.“I got her to promise to try today,” she says, furious.“She was trying and you ruined it.”It’s the meanest thing Beth has ever said to me.She goes back inside before I can say something equally mean to her.Hate her.Hate this.Hate this.Hate this.I hate this.I grab my bike and pedal fast, hard.I focus on the way it feels, the air against my face.I’m going to tell Milo about this and then we will go to the river and he will have his flask and I will hate Beth and drink until I love the world again and everything in it.But when I get to Fuller’s, Missy’s car is there.Of course.I do a few laps in the parking lot next to Fuller’s and debate going somewhere else, but fuck it.She can be his girlfriend all she wants.He was my friend first.And even if she is his girlfriend again, she’s only here for the summer.Totally still a temp.I pedal over, toss my bike on the ground, and practically throw myself inside, saying, “So! What are we all doing today?”Missy and Milo are at the register, forever, always.They’re surprised to see me.Missy’s eyes widen.“You cut your hair!” She rushes over and pulls at the ends.“Oh, wow, Eddie.That looks great.You can totally see your face.”“Nice face,” Milo says behind her.Missy keeps touching it.Cory did an okay job on my hair, I guess, after my freak-out.He thinned it out and made it short—just barely past my chin—with jagged edges and declared it a style.I can live with it.I mean, it could have been worse.In a place like CUTZ, I could’ve just as easily walked out with some kind of country music–inspired disaster.“Thanks,” I mutter, moving away from Missy.Nobody says anything.I look at Milo and he looks at me, but he’s not giving me an out or any help.It makes me mad.I don’t want to talk to him with her here.So I don’t say anything.But Missy eventually catches on and she says, “Oh, hey.You know what? I told my grandpa I’d pick up a bag of mulch from the co-op for him.I should do that while I remember.Be right back.”“See you in a few,” Milo says.She leaves.Milo turns back to the register like he finds it very interesting.I lean against one of the freezers.Silence.“We’re not in a fight anymore,” I finally tell him.“I’m thrilled,” he says.It comes out of his mouth casually, but he hates me when he says it, like I hated my mom when I spoke to her earlier and I don’t know what upsets me more, me doing that to her or him doing that to me but I feel it all on me and my face gives it away.“Shit,” he says, alarmed.“Eddie, I’m—”“Don’t,” I tell him.“Forget it.”No sign of Missy yet.My father is dead.He killed himself.The studio is cleaned out.I have been kissed by a guy who is older than me and knows how to kiss.I’ve been thinking about how I want to have sex.I cut my hair.My mom tried to talk to me today and I ruined it.Beth says I ruined it.This whole summer is a bust.“How did cleaning out the studio go?” Milo asks.I shrug.If he wanted to know, he could’ve taken me.“Who was that guy? The one that drove you? That wasn’t Beth.”I don’t know why I like that Milo wants to know, but I like it.I like it in a weird way I shouldn’t.It makes me tingle a little bit.“Beth uhm, bailed.He’s a photographer.A student.My father’s student,” I answer.Milo raises an eyebrow.“I know.I didn’t know about him before … He gave me a ride and helped me clear out everything.His name is Culler Evans.”“How old is he?”“Twenty-one,” I lie.I don’t know why.“He’s nice.”“It was nice of him to help you.”“Yeah.”“I really wish I could have—”“I was serious, though,” I interrupt, because I don’t want to hear it from him.I want to hear it less and less.“What are we doing today?”“You actually want to hang out with us?” Milo asks.“Because if you do, we’re going to Jenna’s after my shift.Jenna and Aaron, me, you, Missy.Wasting an afternoon around the pool.Sound good?”I nod, but I wonder if he really wants me there.It’s probably easier for everyone when I’m not around.He would freak if I said that out loud.* * *Jenna’s been popular ever since she got a pool, which was the sixth grade.It’s not one of those lame, aboveground pools either.Inground.Great length.It’s cool.We all flock to it and we never stop being impressed by it because rural life means being that easy.I think the nicest thing about lounging around Jenna’s pool is that you can be present, but you don’t have to engage and by not engaging, you’re engaging.Disengaging is engaging.I drink a couple of beers with Missy and end up dozing on a towel next to the pool.Jenna’s loaned me one of her swimsuits.All she seems to own are bikinis [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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