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.But she did not want to be alone with Geraldine.Not yet.She was too raw and too shocked, not knowing what to feel or what to say to this friend of hers of so many years; to this friend who had changed the nature of that friendship in just the single second of an evening; and who had said that things should go no further.So Geraldine sat and had coffee alone at a harbour café.Secretly, Joanna could not wait to be back in her company – well, in her company in the safety of the others’ presence.One thing Joanna made sure did not happen was that they returned to Papagayo.She had no desire to be naked again in Geraldine’s company.That would have been too embarrassing; too bizarre.Instead, she suggested that they should enjoy the poolside facilities of the complex they were staying in and the others agreed without any protest.If anyone else in the Gang guessed that there was any tension, they said nothing.As it was, she and Geraldine talked casually enough in the company of the rest, but there was no point at which they were again alone together.It was as if by some unspoken agreement, each knew that it would be too complex to talk.What could either of them say, after all? They could only move on into something that would be momentous or move further back from it.This way, things were as neutral as they could be.If ever there was a time not to talk, Joanna felt that it was now.Why she felt this way, she was not prepared to explore - not just yet.She knew that would come later.It would have to, if they were to go on being friends.For now, she wanted Geraldine’s presence and no more.Her presence was vital.Something was missing when Geraldine was out of sight.Joanna knew it but did not want to face it.She feared that she was standing at a Rubicon; one that she should not cross, one that she was not going to walk easily away from.Yet, somewhere deep inside her, she was angry with Geraldine – for the impact her friend had had on her equilibrium.All this emotion that she was feeling was stuff from the past.It was stuff that she had intended should stay in the past.But Joanna was going back to the children, Geraldine to her empty house and her work at the hospital as a psychologist.Crucially, it was the same hospital where Joanna ploughed her social work furrow.Joanna knew all too well from watching the wreckage of other perfectly good professionals’ work what the emotional price would be for having a relationship in the workplace.‘Besides, it always comes out, doesn’t it,’ Joanna mused to herself as she sat by the poolside in Lanzerote on the last afternoon? ‘And that would make us the talk of the steamie, wouldn’t it? Two pals turned lovers.’ It was not an option.In the blistering heat by the pool, where she had insisted they spend the day, rather than down on the beach, she watched as Geraldine and Wendy floated about in the pool to cool off, both now respectably clad in bikinis and looking well for the days of tanning.Joanna ached for the ease of the fun that her two friends were having, ease denied to her now by virtue of that one kiss.If Geraldine was feeling any discomfort in Joanna’s presence, she was showing no sign of it.For her part, she seemed every bit as much at ease as she always was in the Gang’s company.She watched over everyone with warmth and perception.After their brief conversation at the Manrique house, she seemed to relax.When she said anything to Joanna, it was with her usual kindness and gentleness.‘Did it mean so little to you?’ Joanna mused silently as she watched Geraldine’s strong crawl take her from one side of the pool to the other.The last days in Lanzerote proved to be precious time, time when Joanna simply wanted to be in Geraldine’s company and to look at her with fresh eyes.How long had she known her? It was twenty years, during all the time when Geraldine was making a sound reputation for herself as the assertive, capable psychologist that she was.How many cases had Geraldine and she shared, talking with children and distressed parents, supporting people with addictions, helping in bereavement? They had always had a solid working rapport as well as being friends in the Gang and each knew when to call on the other’s professional services.Each knew where the other would be coming from when they were round some multi-disciplinary table or other.Tact was Geraldine’s strongest attribute, a skill born of many years at the front line of human pain, distress and dysfunction.Nothing surprised either of the two of them any more, but it was still always a refreshing and new experience when they had a case in common.Joanna had come to recognise the strength of their friendship.They had come together as friends, right back in that encounter group embarked on in Edinburgh when it was the thing to do as a professional.They had travelled up and down by train together over those weekly sessions, Wendy with them, sometimes talking, sometimes reading, sometimes stunned by the intensity of the group experience, as the train trundled through the time warp that is the Edinburgh to Inverness line.It was a particularly stunned silence on that evening’s run back to Inverness after the facilitator had pointed out the sexual tensions between women in the encounter group.In the silence of the exposure of the issue to the fifteen men and women in the room, Geraldine was the one who sought and held eye contact with Joanna.Wendy was looking at the floor, admitting nothing.Joanna saw Geraldine watching her but had to look away.After that session it was one of the quietest journeys back to Inverness that the three of them made.But rather than push them apart, it bound them together by some sort of unspoken kinship.It was never discussed, but there was a sense of safety amongst the three of them.It was as if each of them now knew of that part of themselves that was reflected in the other and there was comfort in mutual recognition.If Joanna wondered at the time about whether Geraldine or Wendy, Geraldine in particular, felt any attraction for her, it was a fleeting thought of a then mid-twenty, ‘married-to-Stephen’ wife and mother.Only in these last days of the Lanzerote holiday did Joanna wonder if the level of awareness for Geraldine was any deeper away back then.Somehow, she has to assume not, for her peace of mind.‘What a faint-hearted feminist lesbian person I was then.And I am now,’ she thought, disliking the very words even as she thought them.She was watching the two women splash about in the pool.‘I ought to just throw caution to the wind and get in there with Geraldine.I ought not to let this time go by without holding her.I want her.I admit it.I want her.’Admitting it privately was one thing.Acting on her feelings was quite another.She knew that she would do nothing about it.She was not in the real world on holiday.She had a child and two sons to go back to.So she and Geraldine both let the time till the end of the holiday drift by in this neutral vein.On the last night, after a day spent poolside, they all chose a restaurant in the hills, away from the tourist run and known for its local cuisine.They took two taxis and had a quiet, almost reflective evening as they recalled the highlights and the funny moments of the week [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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